Is this thing still on???

Well, is it?  Are any of you still out there?  Does it really matter if you are?

Life’s been bumpy.  No lie.  I’ve been trying to find solace in journaling it out.  But, I’m not very good at accountability when I’m the only one I’m accountable to.  I also think I’m hopelessly a child of the Internet Age.  Even if I’m only typing into a unresponsive void, the knowledge I’m typing it out in a place where someone, somewhere, sometime *might* find my words instills me with greater comfort than filling a leather-bound journal locked in a desk drawer.  Maybe I don’t just marry narcissists?  Maybe I’m a wee bit of one myself, too?

So, I’m here.  I may jot some things down now and again.  And, I can be fairly certain they won’t really be about infertility.  I’ve got to thing of a new tag-line…

That said, “not when, but if” still feels pretty on point.  I really can’t say “when” anymore, without grimacing at the possibility that that when will never come.  When will I have romantic love and partnership in my life?  When will I feel stability?  Simply put, I might not.

But, there’s power in that.  I have no idea where I’m heading.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for anything that has happened in the past 18 months.  I think I’m finally becoming my own person.  Learning this new person.  Exploring the edges of this new person.  And, at 33, that feels pretty long overdue.

Ch-ch-ch-changes…

With no more cycles to focus on for a while, I clearly need something else to spend my time fretting over.  The winning obsession?  This blog.

I think it is safe to say I’m not going to quit blogging any time soon.  Barren and blogging.  It’s my schtick these days.  With that in mind I thought it was time to start a bloggy overhaul.

Most of the changes should (at least for the moment) be nearly invisible to most regular readers.  And, that’s intentional.  Last thing I want to do is upset ya’ll with too many dramatic changes, so the caveat I’ll add for this entire post is, as always, if you see something you don’t like, shoot me a line.  I do truly appreciate feedback.

The change and my reasons: To start with, I’ve purchased a domain for the site and transferred my hosting away from WordPress.com.  When I first started out I didn’t know how much I’d like the whole blogging thing, so, even though I’m an experienced web designer that frequently uses various scripting, encoding, and transformation languages for my day job, I went with the easiest out-of-the-box solution I could find.  That was WordPress.com.  The goal was to get pain to virtual paper, not to show off a fancy design.  Without a flurry of cycle-related updates to post about for the coming months, I figured now was as good a time as ever to transfer over to the big guns.  Hello my lovely CSS and javascript — I’ve missed being able to muck about with you!

The impact to you:  Hopefully very little in the short term, though you’ll need to make some changes in the long run depending on how you regularly access this site.  The address for this site is now http://www.notwhenbutif.com (note: the “wordpress.com” has been dropped from after “notwhenbutif”).  If you click on old links, have the old address bookmarked, or otherwise find yourself being pointed to the old address, no biggie, it will seamlessly redirect you here.  This may change next year if I choose to transfer my domain registration and cancel site mapping, but for now you’re golden.

The major negative impact, however, is to those of you who follow this blog through a wordpress.com or e-mail subscription.  Please update your settings if you want to keep getting these updates sent to your blogroll or arriving in your inbox!  (Also, note that you can choose to follow me on Twitter, on Facebook, and via email through the resources provided on the right of each page!)

The change and my reasons: So, we now know fully and firmly that I won’t be getting pregnant by doing a naked tango with the mister.  It’s all egg retrievals and embryo transfers from here on out folks.  And, in a land where IVF is considered equivalent to an elective boob job, that means a whole lot of spending is about to go on.  I never had any illusions that this blog would ever earn me any cash (and that TOTALLY wasn’t the point, so no skin off my back), but with IVF on the horizon I figured why the hell not try and prove myself wrong.  You’ll notice a few (hopefully tasteful) ads here and there in coming weeks.  Even if I only earn a few pennies a month, that should at least buy me a few gallons of gas to make one 2 hour round trip to the clinic.  We’ll see.  It was pretty cool that the first random ad that was sent my way was for Attain.  Good match, Googlebox, good match…

The impact to you:  Hopefully none at all.  But, if you notice any offensive ads shoot me a line and I’ll reassess this great ad experiment!

Thanks for bearing with me folks!  Now I feel ALL THE FREEDOM (but, sadly, have none of the time at the moment!).  In coming weeks and months, though, actual noticeable changes may be rolling out your way.  As I wrote in my first ever post, I may not be able to procreate, but at least I’ve birthed this blog.  And, I suppose, this little blog is growing up and finding some independence.  Here’s hoping we’ve got a while until it starts stealing my liquor and taking my car.

In which I brag

So, I have a whole lot of catching up to do.  Officially pregnant neighbor due a month after I should have been; another child-free, child-obsessed holiday in the books; a weekend with the in-laws spent discussing baby names and pregnant (teenage) relatives; and, perhaps the most fun (?!?) of all?  Apparently I have a new Gonal-F/Lupron side effect.  Holy panic attacks, Batman!  Totally terrifying, btw.  But, I’ll save all that for the post in which I recount my steady march toward hormone-induced insanity.  Something to look forward to, eh?

Today’s post serves a much more exciting purpose.  Today, I finally get to tell you my wee bit of news that I’ve been dangling out there for, oh, more than two weeks!  And, here it is in graphical form:

Hope Award Nominee

That’s right!  I’ve been nominated for RESOLVE‘s Hope Award for Best Blog for the post I wrote back in April to commemorate National Infertility Awareness Week.  My Join the Movement post joins four others (Almost a Father, Fertile Healing, Inconceivable!, and Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen — go, read them, now!) in the running for the Best Blog title.  The winner will be selected via an open online vote occurring from now until the end of July.  (So, yea, after you’re done reading, go, vote, now!)  Then, come early November, one lucky lady or gent gets to get all dolled up and attend RESOLVE’s swanky Night of Hope gala in Manhattan to accept the Award.  And, who says infertility removes the glamour from your life?

On a more personal note, I remember voting for this award in past years and thinking, “Wow, how amazing is it that these brave women have opened up and laid it all out on the line (online) for those of us grasping for some sense of normalcy and belonging?”  Can I just say how incredibly surreal it is that I now find myself among that number?  Seriously, just pinch me already!

And, the timing of this announcement couldn’t really have come at a better time for me.  I first was notified of my selection via email during another endless Friday afternoon work meeting.  A work meeting, I should add, during which I was mentally running through my checklist of things to pack for our whirlwind trip down to the Walk of Hope just a few short hours later.  Talk about reinforcing to me the accuracy of what I wrote several months ago.  Speaking of the many new endeavors and distractions I took on in the months following the termination of my ectopic pregnancy, I wrote:

All these avoidant behaviors, these selfish distractions, they did a lot more than help me pass the time.  They did something that no amount of openness with fertile friends and family members could have ever done.  These activities normalized my experience, they let me know I was most certainly not alone in my feelings of pain and powerlessness.

As I sit here, newly returned from my second Walk of Hope, looking forward to tomorrow’s peer-led support group meeting, and still feeling the deep sting of our latest failed cycle, receiving this nomination reminded me yet again that infertility does not need to be a solitary battle.  It’s sure as hell a whole lot easier when it isn’t!

So, congrats to my fellow nominees and to the many, many others who contributed posts to this year’s Bloggers Unite Challenge.  You may not always feel like (I know I often don’t), but your words matter more than you can ever know.  From a former anonymous reader, thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me find my own voice and put it to good use.

Housekeeping

My blogroll is getting unwieldy, so I’m tidying things up a bit.  In other words, I have 1 million projects to be working on right now, I’m pissed off that I haven’t heard the results of my second beta yet (they ALWAYS call by 10:30am), and I have all of 4 days left before Reader goes the way of the dodo, so I’m engaging in the finest of avoidant behavior and procrastination all at the same time.

This is all a really long way of saying that if you’ve disappeared from my blogroll, I haven’t abandoned you.  Or, in other words, if you just gained a mystery follower with a real-life-sounding name that isn’t NotWhenButIF then you’ve probably just unearthed my true identity… muwahaha…  I’ve used my best judgement to guess at the readership of this blog and the types of resources they’d be looking for and have only kept those blogs front and center on the blogroll.  Similarly, blogs I love that aren’t routinely updated have been removed, as have blogs that I know already have an extremely high readership and recognition level in the IF community.  In the first case, I don’t want to promote inactive blogs and discourage neophytes tip-toeing into the world of the ALI/PAIL blogosphere.  It’s rough to feel alone in the day-to-day, only to find similar silence in the blog world that you’ve turned to for support.  In the second case, I don’t want to waste valuable space promoting blogs that certainly don’t need lightly-followed me driving people their way.

As always, feel free to point out blogs you think I’ve missed or shouldn’t have removed in the comments below or by contacting me.  This whole process involves a lot of judgement calls that aren’t always that fun to make.

On the flip side, I’ll probably be able to keep up with ALL of you (blogrollers and others) a whole lot better now that all my ALI/PAIL blogs are folded in with the millions of other professional, political, humorous, and news feeds I subscribe to via feedly.  I was always terrible at remembering to check WordPress for updates, and the last thing I need are a million additional new post emails in my already crammed inbox.  So, if your blog is no longer highly visible on my blogroll, know that it comes with the benefit of it being incredibly more visible to little old me.

Finally, through these actions I’ve made the conscious decision not to reinvent the wheel and try and become the be all, end all source for all of the ALI/PAIL blogs out on the Interwebs.  It’s been done.  However, I do follow far, far more blogs than it is probably wise for me to do, so if you are looking for referrals or recommendations to blogs on a particular topic, with a particular tone, or written from a particular stage of the journey, feel free to ask.

Now off to finish my tidying.  I seriously do have some amazing bloggy-goodness news to share with you all, but I can’t just yet and it’s killing me.  I could use a good and upbeat post right now, so I’m waiting on pins and needles to publish it.  But, unfortunately I don’t control the timeline for this one…  Vague enough for ya?

The Sweet taste of praise and subsequent cravings

My heartfelt thanks to Lauren at On Fecund Thought for nominating me for the Super Sweet Blogging Award.  In addition to bravely recounting and reporting the deep pain and raw emotions she has experienced since her first pregnancy ended as a missed miscarriage this past March, Lauren’s blog also boasts one of my favorite titles in the blogosphere.  (I love me a pun, even when it’s rooted in pain.)  I found Lauren when I first started blogging and quickly discovered that her loss happened almost concurrently with my third miscarriage.  Over the past three months the emotions she has expressed in her blog have been both familiar and foreign at the same time.  Her words have made me critically examine my own oftentimes jaded and unemotional response to my third loss, and have powerfully reminded me of the women I was when I lost my first pregnancy in 2011.  I’ve certainly put up an emotional wall over the past two years – rarely stopping to grieve or hope.  Lauren’s words remind me that in protecting myself I may also be losing parts of my self, and encourage me to ask how much more am I willing to give to infertility?  Thank you, Lauren, for the nomination and for the inspiration that you provide to a bitter old infertile like me!

So, without further ado:

SUPER SWEET BLOGGING AWARD RULES

Super Sweet Blogging Award image

Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you. (check)

Answer 5 super sweet questions.

Include the Super Sweet Blogging award image in the blog post.

Nominate 12 other bloggers.

The questions:

1. COOKIES OR CAKE?

Ok, I’m gonna fess up.  The “super sweet” blogging award, while super sweet, was probably not the best one to nominate me for.  I kinda don’t do sweets.  I mean, if it’s a birthday I’ll chomp down an obligatory piece of cake or if I’m at a catered work event I’ll indulge in a peanut butter cookie, but generally speaking sweets aren’t my go to.  Give me a giant bag of potato chips any day over sweet treats like cookies or cake.  If forced?  Cookies.  More portable, more variety.  Though, if there were an option for pie, switch me to that team.  I married into a pie crazy family and have come to appreciate my birthday sour cherry pie from the mother-in-law.

2. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?

Vanilla.  Preferably with fresh fruit and hot fudge.  It’s healthy then, right?

3. FAVOURITE SWEET TREAT?

None of the above?  Probably shortbread cookies, though.  Not so much the eating but the making as it inevitably reminds me of days around the kitchen table with my mom.

4. WHEN DO YOU CRAVE SWEET THINGS THE MOST?

Rarely do, but when I do it’s usually a temporary and unexplained binge.  Kinda like the non-stop ice cream gorge-fest that’s been going on since the weather got warmer.  Though, that could also be the Gonal…

5. SWEET NICKNAME?

I’ve had many nicknames, but I’m pretty certain none of them were sweet.  😉

The nominations:

Wow, this the tough part.  I highly recommend all the blogs on my blogroll to the right and encourage you all to use the comments section here to recommend others.  As a means of a “I can’t take all this pressure” cop out, I’m going about this strategically.  I’ve been looking for a way to more fully give back to the many folks who have taken time out of their lives to leave a comment on this blog over the past several months.  So, here are my top 12 commenters with blogs (by number of comments left):

  • I first found Josey’s My Cheaper Version of Therapy when I blogged in response to her and another ALI blogger’s discussions of the differences between healing and finding resolution from infertility and developing infertility amnesia.  Since that time Josey has regularly stopped by here to wish me luck, commiserate, and lend a knowing ear.  After 21 months TTC and medical intervention she welcomed her daughter to the world in 2011.  She is now one of the (growing many) women I know in the ALI community who is pregnant with a naturally conceived second child after a much more difficult battle for sticky pregnancy number 1.  These stories always provide me with a hope I’m almost afraid to speak – that ever unspoken dream that this uphill climb will be rewarded and won’t be required when it comes time for number 2.
  • Melanie at Our Last Embryo was another early find in my fledgling blogging days and has been around for most of it both here and on Twitter.  We share an endometriosis diagnosis, a reproductive immunologist, and state of residence.  I wish, however, that fewer hours and miles separated us so that I could thank her in person for her support, and hug her tightly after her recent failed IVF cycle.  Melanie’s story regularly reminds me that terrible things too often happen to good people, but her strength and optimism fill me with certainty that her journey is far from over.
  • The first time Em from Teach Me to Braid commented on my blog she brought me to tears.  In response to my Join the Movement post for NIAW she wrote, in part, “What a powerful voice you have. You are a cornerstone in this movement.”  If there was any moment that made me feel that what I was doing with this blog was actually important, was more than just hubris, reading that comment was the moment.  Now, I think she over-sells me a bit, but I do agree with her on one point – we all have powerful voices and we need to find our own ways to use them most effectively.  Em is currently in the throes of TTC#2 and, while I’m sad to hear of her difficulties with the medical community, it’s also another refreshing reminder that I’m not alone in occasionally wanting to throw an MD or two out the window.
  • Rain Before Rainbow follows the ups, downs, and inbetweens of someone TTC#1 after two prior losses and an endometriosis diagnosis.  Notice any similarities here?  I find myself shaking my head to her posts far too often and her blog has been one that I regularly go back to.  She discusses with impressive clarity many of the emotional interpersonal/societal aspects of IF I’ve largely left out of my blog because I can’t quite gain the perspective on them that she has.
  • Even if she hadn’t nominated me, Lauren of On Fecund Thought would be on this list for all the reasons discussed above and more.
  • A Crack in Everything follows the IF journey of an aspiring single mother by choice.  After initially trying to conceive in 2008 with a partner with known fertility issues, a move and a consult and blood work with a new RE revealed that partner had HIV (that had thankfully not been passed on).  As she writes, “[…] our relationship ended, and it felt more like a death than a divorce. A lot of plans and dreams we’d shared also ended abruptly, all at the same time.”
  • Kitten at Yet Another Bitter Infertile boasts another of my all-time favorite blog titles, while also providing a brutally honest retelling of one woman’s perspective on infertility.  Trying to conceive since January 2011, Kitten has suffered both a miscarriage and a Stage IV endometriosis diagnosis.  I appreciate the mix of humor and non-IF posts she brings to her blog, and find myself commiserating with her as we’ve both had to deal with more than our fair share of delays lately.
  • Globetrotting Canadian ex-pat blogger Sadie of Invincible Spring frequently leaves me longing to travel thanks to the many travel photos that decorate her blog.  After a second trimester loss and two additional miscarriages, Sadie is one of the many whose time is long since over due.  While the travel pics lure me in and leave me drooling, it’s her humor and candor that bring me back again and again.
  • Sarah at The Mamas Rapscallion won me as a forever follower when I read the following: “I live with my beautiful wife, Tammy, and our adorable/asshole cat, Baker. We live in our recently purchased old house, which we attempt to keep from crumbling to the ground as we admire the charming crown molding.”  As the owner of two asshole cats and an old house that’s more crumble than walls, I felt an instant kinship.  Sarah is currently pregnant with her IVF bundle of joy and I couldn’t be fucking happier.  Oh, and I also love her potty mouth… reminds me of someone.
  • Erika of First Comes Love describes herself as “perpetually pre-pregnant” and I totally get that feeling.  I’m hoping her current break after four back-to-back treatment cycles does her good emotionally and physically and that she crosses into the land of pregnant and, better yet, post-pregnant very, very soon!
  • Another winner for bestest title ever is ImmotileTurtle.  A presence on Twitter as well, the Immotile Turtle discusses her life with the double whammy of PCOS and male-factor infertility.  We both started TTC on the younger side of things, both battle PCOS, and both severely dislike birth control.  I’m so anxious to follow along with her current IVF#2.
  • Last, but certainly not least, Whitney from Whitney & Erick is an inspiration due to her tireless work for the infertility community and total openness and transparency on her and her husband’s path to parenthood.  After 7.5 years, 3 IUIs, 2 surgeries, 6 IVF cycles, and 5 miscarriages, Whitney and Erick are currently expecting twins via surrogacy.  Whitney volunteers for RESOLVE and was honored by them as an “Infertility Hero” in 2012.  She served as the vice co-chair of Advocacy Day in 2013 and will co-chair in 2014.  During this year’s NIAW she and her husband bravely shared their story in the Roanoke Times.  What can I say?  She’s an IF rockstar.  Thanks for all that you do, Whitney and Erick!

So, many thanks to all the above for stopping by and commenting on this blog over the past several months.

I have to say, when I got the nod for the Super Sweet Blogging Award I was equal parts honored and reminded of elementary school chain letters and the earliest of email spam due to its “rules.”  However, when I realized participating would give me a way to thank those that have supported me, while also (hopefully) driving increased traffic to these amazing blogs I was suddenly all on board.  So, I participated despite visions of animated GIFs, personal Geocities sites, and instant messages of a/s/l? floating in my head.  This is a long way of saying, don’t feel compelled to participate in kind if you don’t want to; you’ve all already given so much already!

And, the sweet cravings

The other thing this nomination and subsequent exercise has me thinking about is how I can better drive traffic to my own lowly blog.  I feel like I’ve hit saturation levels via my current means and, at the risk of sounding totally narcissistic and needy, I know there are probably others out there going through what I’m going through that would appreciate reading the ramblings of this stimmed-up madwoman.  Don’t get me wrong, I will continue to write whether 1 or 100 are following, but find me an academic that wouldn’t prefer their work to be widely read and their journal’s impact factor to rise.  What can I say, my ego’d like to hit another all-time viewership record.  Would you all mind helping me out? 🙂

Reinforcement and clarity

Each time I sit down to add to this burgeoning blog, I over-analyze my chosen topic.  I’ve done it since day one, and, as the posts pile up, I’m doing it even more.  Right as I was beginning to get so deep into my head that I worried I might never come out long enough to post again, the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) blogging community came to my rescue.  Thank you, dear strangers, for the much-needed reinforcement and clarity you likely have no idea you gave me.

Looking at the small collection of posts I’ve completed, there isn’t much range in the concepts, emotions, and themes discussed.  Anger.  Jealousy.  Frustration.  Bitterness.  They are, for the moment, the four corners of this blog.  Each day as I put virtual pen to paper, I wondered what these cornerstones said of me, said of my journey, said of my worth as a blogger, said of my suitability to be even one of the many voices of infertility.  I am infertility, but am I the infertility that should be out there for public consumption?  No matter how hard I tried to self-affirm my point of view, I still felt like a whiny, self-indulgent, infertility stereotype.

Then, I found this Tuesday’s tandem posts from Cristy of Searching for our Silver Lining and Josey of My Cheap Version of Therapy.  The posts discuss the stark differences between healing and finding resolution from infertility and developing infertility amnesia.  I’ll leave you to peruse Cristy and Josey’s fuller discussions on your own; their thoughts are far more developed than mine.  But, I will add that two very important observations jumped out at me from their posts that I find worthy of repetition and further elaboration.

First, Cristy writes,

The truth is, those who are unresolved (in the trenches, so to speak) are going to have a very hard time distinguishing between healing and infertility amnesia. I know I most certainly did. After all, you’re in survival mode and one rarely is at their most reasonable and rational when they are fighting for their family.

Perhaps this will come off as yet more uncritical self-affirmation, but this comment resonated with me.  It went a long way toward granting me peace and helping me recognize that – as I sit here very much still in the trenches – my options are limited.  Yes, my current self-reflection rests on a bedrock of negativity, but, no, that doesn’t mean it always will.  I owe myself no expectation of rationality today as the battle rages, but do hope that time will bring greater clarity once the war is over.  I can strive to achieve what Cristy calls, “a genuine effort to move beyond.”

Josey hit even more to the heart of what I’ve been feeling when she reflects on the act of blogging/journaling itself.  She observes that,

[Posts of substance] are easier to come by when your life – your world – is full of turmoil and pain. At least for me, it has been easier to sit down and write deeply about the times that have made me cry in life than the times that have made me rejoice. I don’t know if it is because as children we are taught that gloating is bad and we shouldn’t rub it in, or if it’s simply because I often feel the need to work through my painful times with words and journaling but during the joyful times I tend to just revel in the moment. For whatever reason, I have to make a conscious effort to chronicle the good times as well as the bad, and slowly by surely, that is becoming easier.

It’s not lost on me that the moment I decided to go through with starting this blog was the moment we learned I’d be in for yet another drawn-out wait to try and conceive again.  We’re in a total standstill, and that standstill brings greater pain to my life than my miscarriages, my diagnoses, and my infertility.  When there are no daily injections, no trips to the doctor, no hard decisions, no second opinions, all that remains is the worry and the what if.  Is it any wonder that my daily self-reflection in this time of inactivity rehashes the same themes again and again?  With nothing new to add to the conversation, I just keep picking the same old scab.  I hope I find it in me to also reflect on the good, but for now the bad is front and center and it seems disingenuous to pretend it’s not.  Unless I want this blog to become a thing of fiction, I think it’s best to continue on in the current trajectory.

Yesterday over breakfast Mr. But IF and I realized that, should we ever get the all-clear to return to treatment, some hard decisions will have to be made about my blogging behavior.  Do I continue on with these grand highfalutin substantive posts alone, or do I provide nitty-gritty play-by-plays of the current cycle?  As hard as it might be to believe, when I started this blog I never considered that question.  I was so in need of an immediate outlet, a one-click venue to vent my anger and frustration at another delay, that I never considered that one day the delays might end, the realities of our lives might change, and the purpose of this blog might evolve.  For an aggressive over-planner like myself, this mental blind-spot is astounding.

Seeing as this blog was created in a moment of base raw emotions, why should I step back from those raw emotions solely because they might reveal a pregnancy or miscarriage in live time?  I will blog our journey as I need to blog it, safe in the knowledge that these acts of sharing might likely be a long first step on the path to healing.

Getting to know you

So, my dashboard just told me I’ve had 69 views today.

1. Yes, I’m a 15 year old boy and I thought that this would be a funny number to focus on for this post.[1]

2. I honestly haven’t clicked through this blog that much by myself, so holy-crap-people-are-reading-this!

Anyway, this minor milestone has me asking, who are you my friendly readers?  Seriously, tell me it’s not just Mr. But IF logging in from various places about town trying to make me feel accomplished and stuff.

Why are you reading this?  How did you find me?  What can I do to keep you around?  (Pleeease don’t leave me!?!?)

Catch you all in the comments!

[1] As an aside, did you know that according to one 1998 study published in Human Reproduction it was found that, “All lubricants except baby oil significantly decreased percentage progressive motility, progressive velocity, curvilinear velocity and lateral head displacement at 12.5% concentration.  At a lower concentration of 6.25%, both olive oil and saliva still significantly reduced progressive motility parameters, while KY jelly diminished head movement parameters.”  See: S. Lewis, L. Anderson, and N. McClure, “The Effects of Coital Lubricants on Sperm Motility in vitro,” Human Reproduction 13 (12): 3351-3356.  (Oh, and seriously, wtf with the baby oil and olive oil???)

Pretty-ing things up

Got the terrifying first-post-of-doom™ out of the way yesterday, so today I thought I’d actually move into territory I’m comfortable with — adding some style to this little corner of the Web.

WordPress is new to me; Web design is not.  I’m finding the two to be frustratingly mutually exclusive (as anticipated).  I keep trying to slip rogue CSS in here and there and, surprise surprise, it’s a total no-go.  Ultimately, this is a good thing and why I chose a free, hosted blogging platform in the first place.  This blog is supposed to help me work through my massive piles of emotional crap and various and sundry deep dark secrets.  My knee jerk is to want to muck about with the code, but my need is really to muck about in my own brain.  Hosted platform to the rescue!

Yea, yea, I could pay to customize things, but, 1. read above paragraph, and 2. I hail from a long line of frugal Scots.  Free is a way of life and an artform.  As uncomfortable as I am even starting a blog (I mean, isn’t it totally the height of narcissism?), paying for the privilege of pushing my musings out into ether seems even more pathetic.  Have I mentioned I tend to overanalyze EVERYTHING?

So, there you have it.  My pretty little site.

(P.S. – Yes, those are my pills.  Well, some of them.  The photogenic ones.  And the ones I didn’t have to run upstairs to get.  For those of you looking to fill a square on your infertility bingo card, can you <begin game show host voice here> NAME  THOSE  PILLS!!!</voice>?)