Can you laugh your way into the looney bin?

The prospect of updating this space with news of the past 2 months makes me cringe.  How can you possibly fit all that joy and sadness, bliss and stress into an empty textbox?  When I started this blog it had one purpose.  To provide a space to scream loudly, cry publicly, type angrily about infertility.  Infertility.  That disease we so frequently suffer in silence.  That disease we still so frequently have to convince people is a disease.

Cancer’s not nearly so silent.  Yet, two months in to losing my second parent to cancer, I sit here silently.  It’s too much to type.  It’s too much to fathom.  It’s much too much to manage.

So, we’ll start with a story.  A single event.  And an event that’s even loosely tied to infertility when we’re all said and done.  Now lookey there!

I got my period on Tuesday.  The first since August 2013.  The first since IVF, since pregnancy, since the arrival of N, since my dad’s cancer diagnosis and craniotomy, since waving the white flag to breastfeeding with an insufficient supply and dying dad 7 hours from home.

When I pulled the toilet paper up to inspect it (will this nervous tick IF and multiple miscarriages ingrained in to me ever go away?), I saw the red.  When I saw that red I laughed.  I laughed a laugh so hard I shook.  I shook so hard I laughed some more.  At some point the laughter transitioned to screams of misery and tears of terror.  My face went numb, I laugh-cried, I fell to my knees.  This was it.  This was my breaking point.  This was surely the moment I wouldn’t recover from.

*******

30 seconds prior to that wipe, my husband was holding a fussy N and answering my father’s home telephone.  He was screaming to me, “It’s your aunt.  She wants an update on your dad.”

1 minute prior I was walking through the door of my father’s house with sushi takeout in hand.  I was greeting my husband and son, ready to settle in for a late dinner after a hectic day.  I said to my husband, “I really need to call my aunt and update her, but I haven’t peed since noon and I’m going to wet my pants if I don’t take 30 seconds to do this first!”

30 minutes prior I was driving in my car with my husband and son discussing how upside down the day had gone, how hungry we both were, and how much we needed to just get some takeout and relax for the rest of the night.  I was handing my husband my phone to call in my spicy tuna roll while I drove home from our errands.  I made plans to drop off the boys, let the hubby get a headstart on N’s bottle, bath, and bed routine, and go retrieve our food.

1 hour prior I was sitting in the Target parking lot with a fussy N in the back seat waiting for the hubs to return from getting the special AR formula my refluxey, fully formula fed baby now needed.

1 hours and 30 minutes prior I was standing in the aisles of Sam’s Club cursing them for not having N’s formula.  I silently mourned again the loss of the breastfeeding relationship I thought I’d have with my much longed-for child, but I quickly moved back to our mission.  More diapers and formula.  We’d be staying in town for longer than planned. We’d need more diapers.  More formula.  Feed the baby.  Change the baby.  Love the baby.  Don’t be so stressed when plans keep on changing.  We’d still have our Thanksgiving feast.  Dad’s would just be reheated in the microwave and served on a hospital tray.  We’d sneak N in in his adorable bow tie to cuddle with grandpa.

3 hours prior I was standing in the hallway of my hometown hospital listening to my dad’s quirky (aka obnoxious) oncologist utter the words, “He’s a tough old bird.”  No, he didn’t really know how this affected prognosis.  No, he didn’t know what the next few days would look like.  No, he didn’t know much.  “You see,” he’d said, “I don’t really know what to tell you.  I’ve only ever seen blood clots this bad mentioned on autopsy reports.  I don’t really know how he’s still with us.”  He literally has a clot floating in his heart.  Bouncing around with every heartbeat.  How is that even possible?  Ok, change of plans.  Not home for Thanksgiving.  Not home for a while.

4 hours prior I was sitting by my dad’s hospital bed explaining that we weren’t dooming him to live the rest of his life in a hospital.  I was explaining as simply as I could that there were two different things the doctors were talking about.  “Two separate things,” I’d said.  “There’s cancer and there’s blood clots.  You’ve got both.  One caused the other, but they’re separate.  You’re here because of the blood clots, and only here until we get over the hurdle with these blood clots.  You’re not here because of the cancer.”  When dad asked, “Then what the hell’s wrong with this doctor?  Why’s he so negative.  He had me thinking I was going to die!” I had to respond – again – “Dad, you ARE going to die.  The cancer will kill you someday.  Probably someday in the next 12 months to 2 years.  You’re here because the blood clots almost killed you.  And, they almost killed you yesterday.”

5 hours prior I was screaming at my husband that the fucking nurses station had me on hold for over ten minutes.  My dad could be dying right this minute and they’d put me on hold.  Then they hung up on me.  I was livid.  I called back, said I’d be there in 10 minutes, and I expected the doctor to be there waiting to talk to me.

5 hours and 10 minutes prior I was just taking my jacket off when my dad called from his hospital bed.  “I’m really confused and upset,” he said.  “This doctor came in.  I don’t know who he was.  Things are very negative right now.  He’s very negative.  Something very bad is happening.  Something with my test this morning.  I think he thinks I’m dying.  I don’t know what’s going on.”  I cursed again a cancer that manifests as transient confusion akin to Alzheimer’s.  I cursed again a doctor speaking to my dad without me being present.

5 hours and 20 minutes prior I was just settling in after returning home from visiting my dad and doing a giant grocery shopping trip.  The emergency room doctor the day before had said he could maybe be home by Thanksgiving.  I went straight from the hospital to the store, buying all things turkey and pumpkin.  We’d have a real feast.  My dad’s last, and N’s first.  If we were going to miss our usual big family holiday with the in-laws, we were at least going to gorge on turkey and make sure my dad enjoyed our visit.  All we needed to hear was that the echo they’d done that morning was clear.  He was obviously strong to survive so many clots.  To walk into the ER with a pulmonary embolism and only be complaining of a little shortness of breath.  A clear echo, a prescription for blood thinners, and we’d have our Happy Thanksgiving.

6 hours prior I was pulling out of the hospital parking garage feeling relieved.  Dad was in good spirits and less confused today.  He’d even been pleasant with the ultrasound tech.  Maybe I’m too used to reading the expressions on tech’s faces for my own good after more scans – internal and external – than I can count.  But, didn’t that echo take an awful long time?  Didn’t that tech get really silent?

*********

When I wiped red all I could think about was the day.  Not the emotions of it – the ups and downs, the bad news the good, the baby giggles and the terror in my dad’s weak voice.  I zeroed in on the places.  The grocery store.  Sam’s Club.  Target.  The Rite Aid next to the takeout restaurant.  They all had pads and tampons.  I didn’t.  Not a one.  I waded up some toilet paper, shoved it down my underwear, kissed baby and hubby goodbye, and drove to the Rite Aid.  My eyes were red and raw, I stumbled around like the drunk my dad was before cancer.  My laughter on the toilet echoed through my head.

As the clerk rang up my goods – value pack of tampons, pads, 500-count Advil, and, of course, a Hershey’s bar – I thought to myself, “Well, the day could have been worse, I suppose.  I could have run into someone from high school here in the pharmacy.  Doesn’t that always happen when you’re home for the holidays?  Dodged a bullet there.”

3 thoughts on “Can you laugh your way into the looney bin?

  1. Your writing is always inspiring. I’m sorry you have so much to be inspired by. At least no highschool classmates saw you indeed.

    I don’t think I have written to say that things continue eventful for me. I had a trepidatious October but hope sneakily insisted on being present. I had 4 weeks of knowing I was pregnant. I started bleeding at 7 weeks and was particularly devastated to learn that the baby had barely changed size since my 5 weeks and 2 days ultrasound. I felt that was a particularly obnoxious trick of my body to let me keep on believing I was pregnant (I knew that I felt too well…). I am particularly heartbroken not even to know the week of my baby’s death (I am sad not to know the hour of my second daughter who died sometime during birth). I have, what doctors never tire of pointing out, is a ridiculously advanced age and a husband, in a marriage utterly strained, who has lost all heart for trying again now that he has actually finally heard the stats (less than 1% with IVF or not). On the upside at least this time I didn’t have to go to the Emergency room for any treatment. I’m being followed by a fertility clinic which is more compassionate and easier to manage and more attentive to the fact that I need more from them than simply them keeping me alive. I’d also like to be kept alive with a functioning uterus.

    Thank you so much for your stirring writing. I`m thinking of you and your family.

    • I’m so sorry for the “eventfulness” of your recent months. It’s so strange what bothers us so much sometimes. The not knowing the moment, not having a specific time to mourn, not feeling as if you have a clear minute to memorialize. I’ve often tried to compare our 3 losses to the death of my mom and always found that things were murkier with miscarriage. It’s something I’ve often tried to explain to family and friends and never really gotten across – miscarriage is different because you don’t get to have those touchstones you do with other forms of death. It’s more like being the loved one of someone lost at sea or missing in action. You’re always kept wondering.

      Thinking of you and your family, especially during the difficult holiday season.

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