I’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day. I just don’t get the premise. A day set aside to tell your loved ones you love them? Shouldn’t that be every day?
Granted, as a kid it meant candy hearts, paper cards, and chocolate. But, those hearts tasted (and still taste) like chalk, the cards always devolved into a game of “whose parents are so poor that they had to give out the crappy cards?,” and, I know I know, I HATED chocolate as a girl. Only the onset of menstruation really changed that one. Yay?
So, as I awoke this morning to over a foot of fresh snow on the ground (on top of the existing 10+ inches), to absolutely no communication from my employer that we were getting so much as a late start, and to an email from my boss telling me she wasn’t coming in so I’d have to and be the sole person responsible for the department today, I wasn’t feeling particularly festive. After dragging my mopey behind out of the shower, I started to post to Facebook:
Valentine’s Day? M got me a freshly snow blown driveway; I gave him my endless appreciation.
When I got downstairs to the breakfast table, however, I found a card addressed in my husband’s handwriting to “Mom,” propped up next to a little black box. Huh? Clearly he’d gotten me a gift, but why was he giving me his mother’s card? Wait, who gives their mother a Valentine’s Day card? Hold up a minute…
Through the tears I opened said envelope to find a card picturing the both of us with little N’s NT scan picture nestled in between. Through more tears I read the message from my men – my husband and my son. By the time I opened the necklace the tears were flowing so quickly I couldn’t quite make out the beauty of the mother’s necklace (two intertwined hearts) through the surging stream of tears.
You win, Mr. But IF. Well done.
There have been a lot of questions lately. What will be the outcome of this pregnancy? Where do I fit in the IF universe? How can I help those still in the trenches? Will I be a good mother? Will labor be complicated? Will I like my new MFM? Will he have answers for me? When we the electrician and drywaller get the future nursery done? How will I find the time and energy to plan a surprise 60th for my mother-in-law the same weekend as my shower? How should I react to my aunt’s sudden pronouncement that I must now drive over 800 miles round-trip in the third trimester to attend the shower she’s suddenly decided to throw for me? Why, when we’re so close to getting what we’ve dreamed of, did I experience a severe bout of crippling depression two weeks ago? Will HR ever give me a straight answer about my maternity leave? Will the snow ever stop?
Each question deserves its own post, but just so many posts have gone unwritten lately due to fatigue, long work hours, and, above all, an uncertain mind and voice.
Last year on Valentine’s Day we drove up to the RE 9 weeks, 2 days pregnant, and drove home knowing our child’s heart had stopped beating. Witnessing the global outpouring of love and joy (and commercialism) that this day brings as our own hearts broke into a thousand little pieces just made me feel numb. The following day we went to our weekly Friday happy hour and I ordered the largest beer I could get in the company of friends and colleagues who knew of our infertility and pregnancy. It allowed me to skip the questions; it enabled them to just jump to whispering, “I’m so sorry” over the din of a crowded restaurant. Last year I wasn’t asking questions, I was just struggling to feel something, anything, even if it was just inebriation, as we waited for our own bloody red Valentine’s present to begin the coming weekend.
Asking questions is the province of those with time and unspent emotion on their hands. I’m whirling in them now because there’s not much else to be doing. Baby N is kicking and thriving, baby stuff is arriving on our doorstep at an unsettling pace, showers are being planned, and my new doctor is proving to be even more kickass than the one I left behind. While last year I trudged zombie-like through the day – following our scripted path home from the RE, running into the coffee shop to get the biggest cup they had to offer and running into all our neighbors and their 2.5 children, sending emails and working at my desk with a dead fetus inside me – today my mind flits and floats with a lightness and inquisitiveness that only the content can know.