What’s this unfamiliar peaceful feeling?

Yesterday, a co-worker told me I was glowing.  People really fucking say that?  <Scratches head>

In case I haven’t already stated this enough, I don’t really know how to write happy posts.  It’s just so out of the norm.  But, for the most part, this is a happy post.  Like imagine rainbows and glitter bombs shooting out of my fingers as they tippy-type post.  I feel sick already….  So we don’t have to belabor this, let’s roll with the bullets.

Reasons ButIF’s happy:

  • Yep, still pregnant.  11 weeks, 2 days.  Not that I’m counting or anything…
  • Last Tuesday (10 weeks, 1 day) we had our first success with the doppler.  A faint but steady 180 beats per minute.  Of course, I’ve failed to find the heart beat twice since (leading to immeasurable grief on the part of the Mr.), but I’m not worried.  I found it once, I’ll find it again.
  • That nasty, mean, no-good OB I was complaining about last week?  HE’S AMAZEBALLS!  Or, more specifically, the MFM he referred me to is.  Yea, sure, he took us back over 45 minutes late for our appointment (leading the Mr. to turn a not-so-pleasant shade of red and huff and puff through the hallways looking for an explanation), but when he did take us back (you know, right after the Mr. went looking for answers?) he was top notch.  We had a lovely two-way conversation that lasted for nearly an hour during which he treated us as intellectual equals and literally nailed every zinger question I threw at him.  When he said, “I prefer to treat based on Free T4 as TSH is a poor indicator of thyroid function” I about jumped over the desk and kissed him.  After he stated that, “In your case it is best that we follow you closely with serial ultrasounds,” I thought the Mr. was going to give him a lap dance.  Totally freaking happy….
  • When we were ushered from the MFM over to the OB we had few questions left to ask.  So, the OB started, “How are you doing?” and I responded, “Physically, well, mentally, not so hot.”  He again repeated, “With your history you won’t believe this is real until you are tucking this baby into the car seat to take them home.”  (I actually don’t mind that he’s now said this catch phrase to me at least 3 times.  Yea, it’s repetitive, but at least it means he’s consistent.)  Then, the words I wanted to hear, “Would it help or hurt to have an ultrasound today?”  HELP!!!
  • So, we saw the blob again last Wednesday.  I really must come up with another nickname as he/she’s soo beyond a blob.  The OB’s ultrasound machine totally kicks the ass of my RE’s (you’d think the folks you’re paying cash down out of pocket would have better shit, eh?).  The blob has legs.  And arms.  And fingers.  And toes.  Just as I was taking that all in, just as I was reassuring myself (as I always do) that yes, indeed, I do see a flicker of something near the center of the chest, the damn thing started waving.  There is a thing… with arms… that move… inside of me!  Gah!
  • We drove straight from the OB/MFM appointment to the inlaws for Thanksgiving, successfully avoiding the winter storm that had the Mr. in a tizzy as we sat waiting for the MFM to take us back.  The Mr.’s grandma asked for a copy of our ultrasound.  It’s on her dining room buffet.  Right next to the countless pictures of the 3 little darling great-grandchildren the Mr.’s cousin’s wife has already provided her.  You know how people get excited to be moved from the kiddie table to the adult table for holiday meals?   Well, yea, this was my own graduation moment.  I’ve made it to the fertile table.
  • As we hovered over our turkey, the Mr. his parents, his sister and fiance, his great aunt and uncle, his grandmother, my mother-in-law bent her head to pray.  As I shut my eyes and clasped my hands to give thanks for the meal and the family I was sharing it with, I heard tears from across the table.  I looked up, she looked back, and simply said, “I can’t…  I just can’t.  I’m too thankful.”  My father-in-law came to the rescue and had us go around the table each sharing what we were thankful for.  The Mr. mustered a simple, “Babies!”, the born-again great aunt thanked Jesus, my hungry sister-in-law zeroed in on, “Home cooked food!”, and my mother-in-law whimpered just a little more…

Two years ago I was actively miscarrying at the Thanksgiving table.  I had entered maternity triage for the methotrexate injection that would end my failing pregnancy on November 18, I had returned two days later after passing out in our bathroom from contractions and blood loss, and less than a week after that I was welcoming 25 people (including above mentioned cousin’s two small children and pregnant wife) into our home for a Thanksgiving feast I’d been preparing for days.  I never thought I’d reclaim the peace of Thanksgiving from that memory.  And, to be honest, I’m sure I never entirely will.  But last week’s doppler success, ultrasound pictures, and mother-in-law sobs have gone a long way to softening the pain.  This year, no matter what the future brings, I was thankful on Thanksgiving.

4 thoughts on “What’s this unfamiliar peaceful feeling?

  1. I am so beyond thrilled for you. We’re due one day apart! I have a similar story but mine relates to Chanukkah. This year Chanukkah fell at the same time as Thanksgiving so we got to be really thankful this time.

  2. This is just awesome….so freakin’ awesome.

    Also, that MFM sounds perfect for you! YAY!

    Re: late appointments. I have to say I LOOOOVE my peds doc so freaking much b/c she is never in a rush and answers every question I can think of…and I’m sure she does that for every other patient too, so i try to cut her slack that she is ALWAYS running 45 minutes late. I figure I shouldn’t begrudge her for treating other patients the same way I love to be treated!

  3. I’m still constantly amazed at the surreal fact that something is growing inside of me. And without any real help/instruction on my part! (Aside from the drugs/insane amounts of money spent). There’s a baby in there! How’d that happen? So excited for you!

  4. Much better! I am glad you have a great MFM that makes a big difference for sure. I hope you get the hang of the Doppler soon too. Right now the HB is very low down since the uterus isn’t so huge yet. Take care.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *