I’m sorry I’ve left you all hanging for a week.  I honestly haven’t known what to say.  How to act.  How to exist.  For the past 7 days every moment has been full of equal parts hope and dread.  Every sentence has ended with, “We’ll know more next Thursday.”

Well, it’s Thursday.  And we do know more.

This morning Mr. But IF and I woke at 5AM and drove to the clinic.  I was on the table sans pants by 7:15.  We saw a gestational sac, yolk sac, and wiggly 6w2d fetal pole at 7:17, and heard the 115bpm thump, thump, thump of the fetal heart at 7:19.  (My ultrasound pictures are time stamped.  I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know I’ll always know when we first saw and heard that thump!)

I’m elated.  We’re both elated.  I’m also a good bit speechless.

After so many years and so many heartaches (including the still painfully fresh memory of hearing a similar thump less than a year ago), I’m gun-shy.  I want to cry from sheer joy.  I want to truly believe this is happening.  I want to be able to start speaking in certainties, start planning the nursery, start enjoying this event that I’ve put so damn much blood, sweat, and tears into for all these many years.  And, I really am getting closer.  Closer than I’ve ever been, honestly.  But, I’m not entirely there yet.

I don’t know what to do with myself.  Infertility has been such a huge part of my life.  I’m not quite sure who I am when I’m not squaring off with it each and every day.  When all that remains is the worry and doubt, but not the tireless attempts to manipulate my body into behaving naturally with drugs, appointments, and prayers.  To be frank, I’m not really sure what it is I do around here anymore.

Gushing isn’t appropriate.  It still causes me anguish, and it makes me remember all the times my heart broke when I had to hear of others’ (often well-deserved) victories.  When you are a member of a group united in the pursuit of a common goal, yet only some have the opportunity to realize that goal, it can make for some balancing.  It’s not lost on me that a few months ago I was writing of the pain of coming to grips with a child-free future.

Fretting isn’t right either.  I’ve done that.  Ad nauseam.  It’s a familiar emotion, but it’s not quite accurate either.  We have more reason to hope right now than we’ve ever had, and I don’t really want to let that opportunity pass me by.  I’ve had such a difficult relationship with hope for so long, I’m ready to start letting it back in, even if just a little bit at a time.

So, at least for a while, I think I’ll default to rote updates.  While it seems out of character to divert from tackling difficult emotions head on here (that was the entire reason I started it), it also seems a good bit pointless to try and examine my emotions when I’m not entirely sure what they are.  So, in lieu of making things up or allowing this site to disappear into the ether, we’ll stick to the facts.


Today’s facts:

I’m pregnant.

Fetal pole measuring 6w2d.

Fetal heart rate 115.

Next ultrasound and Intralipids infusion on Wednesday.

I have 800 pieces of candy at home waiting for Trick-or-Treat deluge.

17 thoughts on “Speechless

  1. That is the best news I’ve heard all day! enjoy today’s goodness & can’t wait to read many more milestone updates from you.

  2. Happy news also takes a certain mental toughness. You have it and it sounds like you are doing well with the maelstrom of emotions. Sending many many warm thoughts.

    • Thank you! You’re right. This happy news stuff is TOUGH. I know sadness, I don’t really know what to do when things are going as they should!

  3. I am so happy for you! That first little flicker is an amazing thing to behold, no?

    At the same time, I get all of those confused, contradictory emotions that you’re processing, because I’m (trying to) process them myself. At just past nine weeks and two wonderful u/s showing all the right stuff, I’m starting to believe…
    And being part of this wonderful, supportive community makes it so complicated. I don’t want to cause others the hurt that I have felt so many times before. I’ve had a smiliarly thoughtful post taking shape in my head, because there’s a big part of me that just doesn’t know what to do with my blog space.

    Anyway, for today, right now, you are pregnant and I am thrilled for you! 🙂

    • Yea, the heart beat is amazing, but also scary. We’ve seen it before and still have no children. It’s hard not to remember that I am part of that 1%. That said, we have no reason to worry this time (and had plenty of reasons last time) so I’m just trying to take it one day at a time.

      I thought/hoped if we ever got to this point that the blogging bit would come naturally. It hasn’t. I don’t really know what to do with myself right now.

  4. Please, please let yourself enjoy this moment! I do understand how hard it is to convince yourself that this is finally the good news you’ve waited for, but please give yourself that joy! Finally pregnant myself, it’s hard not go back to my old ways of self doubt and pessimism. I’m not that person but I still am! You will never forget the heartache of your struggle, but now it is a new time for you! Feel blessed! Feel deserving! Feel joyful! Your next ultrasounds will be wonderful! Enjoy them! 🙂

  5. If you are part of the 1% then there are an awful lot of us. Take care and just keep moving milestone to milestone. I wish I could make guarantees for you but you probably won’t be fully comfortable with the pregnancy till you are holding a baby in your arms. I am so sorry it has to be that way for you.

    I am so excited for you that one more hurdle has passed and the HB is a big one.

    • Yea, that 1% is the stat that always haunts me. That’s what the RE said after we saw the heartbeat of our last pregnancy. “At this point, after seeing a heartbeat, there’s a less than 1% chance of you losing this baby. Believe!” Yea, I lost that pregnancy…

      At yesterday’s appointment a different doctor reassured me with, “There’s less than 5% chance something will go wrong once you see the heartbeat.” Somehow, that 5% was more comforting. Though, of course, I did have to remind him that, yes, I was already a member of that 5%.

      Thanks for the continued support!

      • Made up statistics don’t make anyone feel any better. I found a paper which much more realistic numbers and I stuck with that. If they tell you something stupid like a 1% chance of losing the pg and then you lose it the whole loss feels that much worse. I think a lot of the docs tell us what they think we want to hear when the truth would be so much better.

        Anyway… how have you been?!?! I am excited for you and I am keeping everything crossed that by the next walk of hope you will be too large to walk!

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