Not gonna lie, kinda feel like I’ve been snorting sunshine and unicorn shit. I’m so high on life right now I don’t even recognize myself. This happiness thing is a total mindfuck.
First, I’d like to introduce ya’ll to Blob.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking gestational sac. A sac IN my uterus (and not my tubes). A sac measuring 5 weeks 1 day (pretty damn spot on to my 5 weeks 2 day reality). And a sac that has a rockstar 5,306 beta value to keep it warm at night. Did you seriously catch that beta? Last pregnancy my beta at 7 WEEKS was just 2,083. Blob here is a total overachiever. I’m smitten already.
I don’t even know where to start with how the rest of my day went. I mean, the rest of the day pretty much comprised of me floating from moment to moment on a cloud of euphoria. Have I said this happiness shit feels weird on me?
After meeting the Blob, I “worked” for a few hours before heading to my first counseling session with a new counselor. I’d scheduled the session to help me cope with what I thought would be, at best, inconclusive news, and, at worst, well, you know what news I thought I was getting today. Instead I flitted into my appointment a happy person. What exactly does one do in therapy when they’re happy? I’ve totally never had that problem before. Anyway, Dr. H appears to be a brilliant sweetheart. She actually reminded me so much of my dear friend A, herself a budding psychologist. Unlike the previous IF counselor I consulted, she didn’t immediately dismiss me for wanting to have a sense of control in the process – to be informed of my lab values, to have a say in my treatments, to keep in close contact with my doctors. Instead, she said exactly what I’ve always found myself saying. She explained:
If you know you are a researcher by nature, having all the data points can be a great source of comfort! I don’t think you are harming anything by recognizing what type of person you are and what type of relationship you need to have with your physicians. I just wish you could find one that would listen to you a little better and not belittle your coping mechanisms.
Shut the front door! 45 minutes together and this gal already “gets me” more than most people I’ve ever met. Score! I return in two weeks, but have her cell number should a crisis arise in the meantime.
Next it was off to my first ever OB/GYN appointment in a very long time. I mean, I’ve scheduled many OB appointments, but I’ve never actually made it to one. Imagining having to go to this appointment a few mere hours after hearing, “I’m sorry, I can’t find anything in your uterus” or “I’m sorry, your beta just isn’t rising” literally kept me up last night. Visualizing walking into an office chock full of giant bellies and murals of newborn pics made me sick to my stomach this morning, and had me shaking uncontrollably as I rode the elevator up to their sixth floor offices.
When I walked in, no bellies. No pictures. An empty waiting room with a few no-nonsense receptionists that were immediately attentive to my presence. (What?) I had barely sat down when a nurse scooped me back (an OB that’s on time?), and my 2:40 appointment started promptly at 2:40. Aside from the nurse being unable to find PIO in their computer system (for which she was highly apologetic and did not blame me like so many other nurses before for having the gall to take such unusual medications), my interactions with Anne the nurse were pure gold. Not once did she say, “Just relax” or “I had a friend who..” (both phrases that were tossed at by my RE’s nurse just this morning). Instead, she smiled throughout, congratulating me, fawning over the pic of Blob I brought with me, and told me to call whenever I needed anything. (Wait, what?)
When the doctor entered the room he had the same genuine smile across his face. 30 seconds in his phone went off (oh no! I’m going to get rushed and ignored again!). He told his intern he was with a “very important new patient” and he’d have to call her back. He then apologized for ignoring me for a total of 15 seconds and explained, “Ah, you know, teaching hospitals. Everybody always wants you NOW NOW NOW!” We talked my history, we talked my thyroid, we talked his philosophy, we talked me RE. He kept reassuring me I was in the drivers’ seat, that no questions were silly, that he’d worked with many of my RE’s (who he kept referring to by his first name) before, and that he will never forget the journey that’s brought us here and always respect the unique challenges our IF has created for us. He said, “I know there is no ‘normal’ for anyone who’s had to go through infertility. You won’t believe this baby is here until you’re loading it in the car seat, and that’s fine. Just promise me you’ll let me know how I can help make it a little easier.” (OMG, am I on candid camera?)
I told him a bit about this year’s ANA drama (see, for example, here and here for the beginner’s guide). He was downright annoyed at the way the whole thing was handled. “You mean, they just sent you away with their hands in the air saying ‘Who knows?'” Pretty much, yea, that’s what they did. That did not abide Dr. T. He ordered a full autoimmune workup for me and drew the blood right there and then. Another more advanced ANA panel, DNA something, Sedimentation rate, C-Reactive Protein, Lupus Anticoagulant, etc., etc. If anything comes back abnormal, he’s getting me in with their sister Perinatology clinic. I have found the only proactive doctor left on this planet. Holy shit did I hit the jackpot! He also will be monitoring my thyroid (with both TSH and Free T4… woo!) every 4 weeks and adjusting meds as necessary. He said he’d find a way to get me in for as many ultrasounds as I needed to feel comfortable (OMG!) and that he’ll be there with me through it all. He gave me his fucking cell phone number! Yea, my 2:40 appointment? I left the building at 4:00. Not one bit of that was me waiting alone in a room. What the what?
I will follow up with him in 2 weeks (November 7) to go over the findings of the blood work and give him an update on how things are going with the RE. Assuming all is well (oh, please let all be well!) I’ll be scheduled for my initial OB appointment about a week later. Someone pinch me. Is this actually happening?
So, now, it’s off to see the hubby. I’ve been running all day, he’s been working all day, and we haven’t seen each other since I rolled out of bed at a crisp 5:30am in order to get to my RE appointment on time. We’ve texted and had brief phone chats, but now I’m off to meet him, hug him, and gush endlessly at a celebratory dinner. Good night my lovelies, and thank you so much for helping to hold me together all these past months. You have NO IDEA how much you’ve all meant to me.