Today an old online friend sought me out to congratulate me on the news. She wrote, in part:
I completely get why you left FF. I read a blog of yours that kind of explained why you left and could sympathize with the need and want to kind of turn to blogging over forums. I think you do a great job at capturing how this journey is going for you. It ‘s probably the least fluffiest blog I’ve read and I like that. I like the realness and rawness to your writing. I’m sure you have to realize those who have found your blog have found comfort in your words and that you’ve helped them in some way or another.
(I really hope you don’t mind I stole your words A!)
Honestly, that was probably one of the biggest compliments anyone could have paid to me. I suppose I take a sort of sick pride in being the Debbie Downer of the IF blogosphere. Not because I’m at all interested in one-upping anyone in the overdone pain olympics (I know my story isn’t the saddest or most painful out there by a long shot!), but more because it means I’m doing a decent job at conveying the way that *I* am living infertility. Hope and optimism have been absent from much of my infertility experience, and pain and suffering familiar bedfellows. If my writing is raw, if my words sometimes ache and hurt, then I’m succeeding at what I set out to do when I started this blog. I’m putting some fraction of the emotions I’m feeling out into the ether, and hopefully freeing myself of some of them in the process.
That said, I’m well aware of how one note that often makes this blog. Yep, But IF’s worrying again, cursing doctors again, depressed again. The monotony is accurate, but I’m sure it also feels oppressive. So, today, let’s try something different.
Today, I am grateful. Grateful for so many things. Things I should spend more time appreciating, documenting, and celebrating. Why not take a moment to celebrate some of them now? So, in no particular order, today I am grateful for…
- My husband. His unfailing support, his intellect, his humor. The joy he’s brought to my life, the sorrow he’s helped me weather.
- My life. These 30 years. Another happy birthday celebrated with friends and family, old and new. The phone calls, the party goers, the Facebook messages, the cards. The yearly reminders that I matter to many, even if I often feel that I’m invisible to all but a very few.
- This pregnancy. Today, I am pregnant. No amount of past heartache or struggle should dull the beauty of that simple sentence. I know all too well that these moments can be fleeting, so I should also know better than to deny the power of these moments. Once again, today, I am pregnant.
- My infertility. Yes, today I am grateful for it. This month, this year, and this decade I am grateful for it. Infertility has brought me my LFP ladies, my FF friends, my Twitter buddies, my blogging pals, my support group gals. How one disease that wreaks so much havoc, can also add so much to one’s life is beyond me. I’m grateful for my day with C and R on Saturday. For friendships with women I’d never have met if infertility hadn’t entered my life.
- My friends. The text messages, phone calls, and emails from three friends named A. Celebrating weddings past and planned. I wish I was better at staying in touch sometimes, but know I love you all and you’re regularly in my thoughts.
- My cats. Yes, even when they wake me at 3AM wretching in the carpeted hallway. (I most assuredly have crazy cat butt parasites. C’est la vie.)
- Sunshine on my birthday. And the marshmallows roasting over our fire pit it enabled. And, yes, even the sugar crash that hit later last night.
- The Internet. Without the support it has offered I would have lost my mind long ago. Without it, I wouldn’t have met YOU. That’s definitely something to be grateful for.