Pass the wine and tampons

Do I really need to write a post? That about sums it all up, really…

Mr. But IF’s aunt and uncle visited this weekend. We hit the local brew pub, wandered the famers’ market, did a brewery tour, saw an amazing national music act in a tiny rural theater, and ate a lot of great food. Simply put, I actually started to forget the hell of last week. I started to embrace living life again. I started to appreciate a world where not everything revolved around my cycles and my injection schedule.

Then, yesterday, my period came. And, like last month, it came with a vengeance. Bleeding heavier than any of my miscarriages, cramping reminiscent of my worst adolescent cycles, nausea, vomiting, and constipation that serves as an ever-present reminder of the endometriosis wracking havoc on my internal organs. Not even the most remote possibility that the prior days’ bliss would remain undisturbed. It’s one thing to go through the mental process of grieving another failed cycle, mourning the fact that natural conception has passed us by, preparing ourselves for the surgeries and IVFs ahead. It’s entirely another to weather the physical reminders. Almost 4 years later, the physical reminders still catch me by surprise.

But, not all surprises have to be painful. Some can be truly overwhelming, humbling, and positive. I got one of those last week, too. A gift card, a novelty mug, and a giant virtual hug from my ladies in the computer. Thank God for the Internet.

Tomorrow is my pre-op. It will surely be underwhelming. I’ve walked in these shoes enough times before that I know it’s not worth getting excited about this important-sounding appointment. They’ll review my current medications, they’ll ask for my history with anesthesia, they’ll take some blood, and I’ll drive home wondering why the bulk of that couldn’t have just been done over the phone like it was for my last lap two states away. But, it does mean that I’ll be one step closer to my lap, one step closer to recovery, one step closer to IVF. And, one step closer to being done no matter the outcome.

5 thoughts on “Pass the wine and tampons

  1. I’m grimacing in empathy at your description of your period. Yep, endo is a MFer. I hope the pre-op appointment goes well. I just scheduled my second lap for September.

    • Yep, August 20 will be my second. Last time I was so full of nerves because I was certain I was gonna wake up and hear that I didn’t have endo, that the pain was all in my head, and that I had just wasted my time, my money, and my goodwill with my doctor who I basically forced to operate on me.

      This time around I’m oddly chill. Like, “Oh goody, another chance to check in on my fucked up body. I wonder what the bowel is up to?” Sigh, small pleasures I guess…

  2. So sorry that this has been such a miserable period…ugh. Especially after all that you’ve been through recently. My heart goes out to you.

  3. Here’s hoping you have a good lap and are set up for a fruitful IVF cycle. I’m so sorry that this last cycle did not work out in the slowest, cruelest of ways. Wishing you a good (?) surgical experience and the best of luck in your new world of IVF!

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