That’s where we sit.  Squarely in the middle of “Who the hell knows.”  I’m so tired of being such a unique fucking snowflake.

As I described yesterday, pregnancy tests (even beta blood draws) aren’t cut and dry for me.  Last month, on the eve of my BFN I explained my post-HCG booster beta scale as such:

  • <40: Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Totally not pregnant
  • 40-300: Who the fuck knows? Another round of beta hell
  • >300: How did my lab’s get mixed with someone else’s? Could it actually be…

You see, when injecting pregnancy hormone straight into one’s system every three days it’s apparently difficult to tell what pregnancy hormone is from a needle and what is (or is not) from an embryo.  One needs a scale to mentally prepare for the uncertainties involved.

My beta was today.  The result another mindfuck.  38.  I don’t even fucking know what to think about a 38.

The helpful chipper nurse on the other end of the line said, “We like to see 40, but this is a start.”  I responded, “You’re happy with a 40 even with the boosters I’ve been taking?”  Her: “Wait, you’re on boosters?  That’s not in your chart!” Me: “Yea…”  Her: “Well, don’t take any more boosters just yet.  We need to figure out if this is something or not.  Go for another blood test on Thursday.  Have a nice day!”

Since that conversation at about 11:30 this morning I’ve done the following:

  • Called my boss, said I suddenly didn’t feel good, and informed her I was going home.
  • Arrived home, ate a balanced lunch of corn chips, salsa, and an ice cream sandwich.
  • Cried.
  • Petted the kitty that immediately found my lap.
  • Slept.  Lots of sleeping.
  • Whined to my lovely friends in the computer on Facebook.  I got obnoxiously “woe is me” and I kinda want to go back and delete my most dramatic posts, but gotta mark the moment, right?
  • Thanked a billion of you who reached out to me on Twitter.
  • Slept some more.
  • Had a total fucking meltdown with the Freedom Fertility Pharmacy rep when she called to tell me there was a problem with my Crinone order.
  • Listened to the newborn across the street wail, while watching my very pregnant neighbor play with her son in the front yard.
  • Held Mr. But IF as he asked, “Why does this always happen to us?  Why is it never a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’?  Why can’t we just have answers?”
  • Petted the kitty some more.
  • Cried a little more.

On the docket for the rest of the night?  Well, I have some Mad Men to catch up on, I have a cross stitch project I’m working on (ssshhh.. it’s a secret!  I’ll share pics when I’m done!), and I have, of course, more kitty petting, online whining, and crying to do.

How will I survive until Thursday?  Why does it have to be so hard?

7 thoughts on “Limbo

  1. Ugh, that must be frustrating. How did she not she that you had been on boosters? Sometimes I wonder how some people are able to work in the profession they do. I’m so sorry. I had a bad night as well, with not 1, not 2 but 10 fb pregnancy announcements. One of which was animated with her first pregnancy and showing all the reactions from family followed by the reaction to her 2nd pregnancy when she showed those same people from the first one. It was such a fucking treat let me tell you. I wish there was away to have a warning for all pregnancy annoucements on fb. Keep us posted and I’m thinking of you.

  2. Oh God, the torture of WAITING! I’m sorry you didn’t get better news today! If you’re able to reach out to friends at this stage (whining or not), I’m impressed — I’d still be sleeping and soaking up the kitty therapy. Wishing you comfort tonight and more decisive news on Thursday…

  3. Hi there, I’m new to your blog and I just spent more than 2 hours reading your story. A habit of mine as I wait nervously for my own results when I can’t sleep at night. I have my own story of woe, 5 IVF transfers, some negative some positive, all bringing me back to the same shit hole story of an ultimately barren uterus and broken heart. I’m waiting for my own results this Saturday, the hope that the beautiful beating heart I saw in my last ultrasound is still beating inside me. I’ll be 8 weeks soon, the same when I lost my last baby. I’ll be thinking of you, hoping that your news is good news. You sure fucking deserve it… =) Elizabeth

  4. Hey not when, I’m new to twitter and blogging and I’ve only been ttc for five cycles. I fully respect I am at the start of my journey and it may be short or long who knows. But I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking if you. Everything you talk about is new and scary to me, I can’t imagine the roller coaster you are on. I’m sure there are many many people rooting for you, you can add me to that list too. Best wishes x

  5. I am new here but I just wanted to say I hate facebook. I never get on it. I have enough shit thrown in my face everyday. Why seek out more to add to my insanity? I can’t go to the store or even watch T.V. Without being bombarded by babies and huge pregnant bellies. Oh and don’t forget the mom that already has more kids than she can handle but has number ten on the way. I love that one. Or the teenagers that think having a baby will be fun. They can’t wait to dress them up.

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