That’s where we sit. Squarely in the middle of “Who the hell knows.” I’m so tired of being such a unique fucking snowflake.
- <40: Abandon all hope ye who enter here. Totally not pregnant
- 40-300: Who the fuck knows? Another round of beta hell
- >300: How did my lab’s get mixed with someone else’s? Could it actually be…
You see, when injecting pregnancy hormone straight into one’s system every three days it’s apparently difficult to tell what pregnancy hormone is from a needle and what is (or is not) from an embryo. One needs a scale to mentally prepare for the uncertainties involved.
My beta was today. The result another mindfuck. 38. I don’t even fucking know what to think about a 38.
The helpful chipper nurse on the other end of the line said, “We like to see 40, but this is a start.” I responded, “You’re happy with a 40 even with the boosters I’ve been taking?” Her: “Wait, you’re on boosters? That’s not in your chart!” Me: “Yea…” Her: “Well, don’t take any more boosters just yet. We need to figure out if this is something or not. Go for another blood test on Thursday. Have a nice day!”
Since that conversation at about 11:30 this morning I’ve done the following:
- Called my boss, said I suddenly didn’t feel good, and informed her I was going home.
- Arrived home, ate a balanced lunch of corn chips, salsa, and an ice cream sandwich.
- Petted the kitty that immediately found my lap.
- Slept. Lots of sleeping.
- Whined to my lovely friends in the computer on Facebook. I got obnoxiously “woe is me” and I kinda want to go back and delete my most dramatic posts, but gotta mark the moment, right?
- Thanked a billion of you who reached out to me on Twitter.
- Slept some more.
- Had a total fucking meltdown with the Freedom Fertility Pharmacy rep when she called to tell me there was a problem with my Crinone order.
- Listened to the newborn across the street wail, while watching my very pregnant neighbor play with her son in the front yard.
- Held Mr. But IF as he asked, “Why does this always happen to us? Why is it never a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’? Why can’t we just have answers?”
- Petted the kitty some more.
- Cried a little more.
On the docket for the rest of the night? Well, I have some Mad Men to catch up on, I have a cross stitch project I’m working on (ssshhh.. it’s a secret! I’ll share pics when I’m done!), and I have, of course, more kitty petting, online whining, and crying to do.
How will I survive until Thursday? Why does it have to be so hard?