What’s this odd hope-like feeling?

There’s a smile on my face, a lightness in my heart, and a pep in my step.  This feels weird.  I don’t like it.  I think, dare I say it, it’s hope!

Ultrasound this morning revealed two plump and juicy follicles just waiting to rupture and release my busted beautiful eggs.  (Getting used to this hope thing may take some time…)  Tonight I trigger ovulation with an HCG injection and then it’s non-stop rubbing naughty bits for the rest of the weekend.  Mr. But IF should get a good night’s sleep tonight; I mean, I know I will thanks to the sudden introduction of 10,000 units of straight synthetic pregnancy hormone into my system.

Tonight will be my last shot for three. whole. days.  I’m not gonna know what to do with myself.  I guess I’ll resort to doing things with Mr. But IF… 😉

My regimen for the rest of the cycle will include:

  • Continue: Synthroid (112mcg), Metformin (2,000mg), L-MTHF (2mg), Vitamin D (5,000IU), Vitamin B12 (500mcg), Baby Aspirin (81mg), and Prenatal Vitamin daily.
  • Starting Tuesday 6/11: Progesterone in oil (50mg/1ml) and Lovenox (40mg).
  • Add on Wendnesday 6/12: Crinone 8% and HCG boosters (2,500 units every 3 days).
  • On Friday 6/14: Return to RE for intralipid infusion.
  • On Monday 6/24: Go for first beta (pregnancy) test.

I’m trying not to think too long or hard about that last one for a few reasons.  First, it just so happens my beta falls on my 7th wedding anniversary.  Usually I’m not a big believer in chance or fate or luck or what have you because, let’s face it, if I were and I’d lived the life I’ve lived I’d be pretty fatalistic about my chances, my fate, and my luck.  However, this timing definitely made me stop in my tracks when the NP pulled out my calendar.  “Oh, we’re testing on that day are we?  Fantaaastic…”  (All the while dripping with sarcasm.)

Second, I know full well that that first beta is going to be anything but conclusive.  In three pregnancies I’ve had three abnormal beta rises.  The first was diagnosed as “ectopic” due to those low and slow betas, the second didn’t survive into the fourth week because of them, and, for the most recent, I remained pregnant with clear and strong fetal heartbeat to 9 weeks and still was sporting the beta levels of a very newly pregnant woman.  My body refuses to produce pregnancy hormone.  So, this time around we’re giving it some help from the start with injections of HCG every three days from 3dpo on.  We tried doing this when my last pregnancy was already failing but it was a step too small coming at a date too late.  Who knows whether the HCG boosters will do a damn thing medically, but mentally I’m happy to be on them from the start this time around.  After all this time, regret management is a good enough reason to do just about anything.  Sure, the downside is that it will likely take us quite a while (and several repeat beta draws) to determine if my hormone levels are elevated from a pregnancy or just from the injections, but I can live with that.  It’s almost calming to know that, unlike my prior cycles where beta day was – duh duh dummm – the day, that beta day this time around will just be one of many days that will inform a final verdict a few more days and blood draws in the making.  Beta hell isn’t my favorite thing in the world, but walking into it eyes wide open seems like it will be a lot easier than enduring the unexpected uncertainty of my prior pregnancies.

Finally, and perhaps positively, I’ll be away at a work retreat all day on the 24th.  I bemoaned that fact when the date for the retreat was announced (seriously, my anniversary?), but now it feels like good timing.  I have a feeling the distraction and time away from Dr. Google, my online patient portal, and my browser’s refresh button will be a good thing.  I just hope I’ll be able to swing a phone call at some point that day.  With non-stop meetings held at a remote camp site I’m a little anxious, but I’ve gotten through worse.

So, there you have it folks, I’m actually feeling hopeful.  From a teary day in my blanket nest on Tuesday to today’s constant cheery mental refrain of “Oh my what beautiful follies I have!” – gotta love the thrilling emotional roller-coasters of BarrenLand.

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