Snow day confessions

So, it’s Wednesday again, and time for another edition of what I’ve taken to calling “Wretched Wednesday.”  The one day of the week during which I’ll force myself to write in bullets, keep the commentary to a minimum, and be as quippy as my verbose tendencies allow.

Last week, I began to review all the awkward conversations and happenings that I’ve muddled through in the past several years.  I’ll most certainly be returning to that theme in coming Wednesday’s, but this week I thought I’d focus in a little bit more.

Above all else, my infertility makes me ANGRY.  Like slam cupboard doors, raise fists to the sky, glare at random pregnant strangers, say stupid shit, angry.  The snow that is falling at a fever pitch outside my window on this APRIL day is also making me angry.  So, I figured, what a better day than this to explore that anger.  More specifically, to explore the totally ridiculous things I’ve said and done in the past 3.5 years in response to that anger.

The name of this list?  “Anger made me do it!”  And, one warning, some crazy offensive stuff has come out of my mouth in the past few years.  Tread lightly.  (Oh, and thoughts in italics, words in “quotes.”)

  • [While holding countless newborns] Do you think they’d notice if I bolted out the door right now?
  • [Said after my recent miscarriage] “I’m sorry I can’t be concerned about a friend’s difficult labor.  She has a child.  Our’s is sleeping in a sterile collection jar right now.” <Ouch, I’m sorry you had to hear that Mr. But IF>
  • [About fertile family members] “Eventually their luck is going to run out and one of their kids is going to have major problems.  Of course, then, they’ll get boat loads of pity.  We’ll still be the invisible infertiles.”
  • [Said in rage to my much younger sister-in-law] “I will seriously never speak to you again if you get pregnant before me.” <I do hate myself sometimes.>
  • [When getting propositioned by my randy and/or sexually frustrated husband] “Seriously, what’s the point?  I’m as barren as the Russian countryside after Napoleon’s invasion.”  Or, “Sure, whatever, might as well make another baby for my body to kill.”  Or, “Ok, but if you complain about the Crinone cottage cheese I’m not listening.”  Or, “Ok, but I’m on Provera so wear a condom.  With our luck we’ll have a first sticky pregnancy but, because of the Provera, our spawn will have 5 heads.”  <I know, I know, I’m such a tease!>
  • [When the husband wants to watch Girls] “Seriously, I get it, you want sex.  Making me watch Girls with you isn’t a guaranteed way to make that happen.”  <Usually followed by post-Girls nookie>
  • [When talking to friends that accidentally got pregnant] “How do you accidentally have sex during your fertile window and accidentally inject lovenox/progesterone/HCG boosters and accidentally get early ultrasounds to rule out an ectopic?  Oh, wait, you didn’t have to do that…”
  • [When invited to participate in yet another baby “meal registry”]  “Where’s my fucking free miscarriage food?”
  • [When the doctor at the ER told me he wouldn’t do a D&C on a Saturday] “Next time I’ll try to plan my fetal demise a little more conveniently for you and your staff.”
  • [While getting re-dressed in the RE’s exam room] Do you think they’d notice if I steal a bunch of probe condoms?  I really want some probe condoms!  I’ve paid for a case of these suckers already so I should get to have one…
  • [When picking out my socks on ultrasound days] Nope, I miscarried in those.  Oh, and I was wearing those when we found out the heartbeat stopped.  These, these obnoxiously red ones, nothing bad has ever happened wearing these… yet…
  • [When making the over an hour drive to the RE in one of many blizzards this past winter] This kid better fucking appreciate me!
  • [When talking to newly pregnant couples] “Wait… all you did was have sex?  That works?”
  • [When adoption is suggested] “I agree.  Adoption is an amazing gift.  Why haven’t you adopted?”
  • [When talking to the cats] “Hello my babies.  My only babies.  Wanna try on this onesie?”
  • [My husband texting his best friend after our ectopic] “If it really was tubal, 40% chance we go through this again.  Guess God’s too busy helping Tebow win football games.  FML”
  • [When I was pregnant] “Oh God, oh God, oh God.  I’m not ready for this.  What the hell?  I’m totally not ready for this!”  <Oh, nevermind, false alarm…>
  • [When I see a pregnancy announcement or pregnancy complaint on Facebook] Insert post about miscarriage, endo, PCOS, infertility, RESOLVE fundraising here…
  • [When around women telling pregnancy or delivery stories] “Oh yea, the pain!  I know during my 3 miscarriages I felt like crap.  Though, I guess, being in a hospital, surrounded by loved ones, and leaving with a baby probably makes a difference.  The one time I went to the hospital they just sent me home with a sterile collection jar for the products.  No baby blanket or anything!  Can you believe it?”
  • And, my ever-favorite instinct/thought/mantra — Punch her in the ovaries, punch her in the ovaries, punch her in the ovaries…
  • [When I asked the hubs if he had anything to contribute to this list] “I’m so busy keeping myself from punching the doctor that I’m not really thinking snarky.”  And, he continued, “Honestly, though, I do think that’s my thing to add.  The notion that I express the anger through pretty much incohate rage, that I then choke back.”

So, my friends (if any of you are left), I’m truly that terrible of a person.  I’m also, that totally normal.  No one told me not to be so pissed off at life when my mom died, so each month my imagined future children “die” I feel just as justified to be thoroughly inappropriate.  I know ya’ll have been there.  What’s your deepest darkest nasty?  (Seriously, though, you’ve been there, right?  I’m not that horrible… Oh, Lord, maybe I am…)

3 thoughts on “Snow day confessions

    • Thanks!

      Yea, I’ve actually used the adoption one before at a crowded cocktail hour. It is AWESOME to watch those gears go as folks stumble over wanting to say things like, “Well, I don’t need to” or “I already have children.”

      I don’t know what it is that makes people think adoption cures infertility. Adoption is a way to build a family. It isn’t a way for me to mask the physical and emotional pains created by my infertility.

  1. You are SO not alone in your thoughts. Mine used to be worse actually…. Thanks for posting about this because I still beat myself up about being a “bad person” or that I handled things inappropriately.

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